Howard and I got into a conflict about a post that I wrote about the first presidential debate. The conflict was illuminating, and good. Here’s what we learned from it and what we think about conflict in general.

0:00 Howard in the great north
1:20 Today’s topic: conflict
1:40 Howard is shaken by what is going on in the world today
2:22 Steve Schmidt’s takedown of Trump
4:50 Civil war?
7:30 What is conflict?
8:45 I don’t want to be abandoned
9:25 Modeling constructive conflict
9:50 That’s not a part of the language of relationships
10:40 Our tribes and rules suppress conflict
11:45 Conflict comes as a surprise to Howard, especially in the beginning
13:20 Our cultures don’t seem to model conflict well
14:40 John’s marriage was full of conflict but has grown because of it
15:30 Howard and John’s conflict over this post
17:00 Howard’s comments on John’s post
21:40 We are at an important point in our national discourse
22:05 Then, we went on a walk, and we had a conflict
22:48 We chipped away at each other and seeing from a friend’s perspective
23:50 The conversation cycled and it made us feel better
25:45 We are all siloed
26:05 Relationships are critical; we treat strangers terribly
28:00 Why do we shy away from conflict?
28:35 Risk/reward
30:35 Why does John enter into conflict?
32:00 Conflict was a great gift and it deepened our relationship
34:04 The only thing you can control is how you respond
34:30 Don’t worry about winning
35:50 Learning conflict
36:30 Culture matters
37:20 Korean pilots
38:00 Religion influences conflict?
38:50 Hierarchy can suppress conflict
39:30 Two right and two wrongs of conflict
41:00 We have caricatures of each other
42:45 Challenge: enter into conflict with people you know
44:00 Start with small conflicts
44:25 Conflict is a skill
44:50 The key is to argue with someone and maintain the relationship
45:35 How to keep a customer and still maintain the rules at Kaldis
46:30 Anger is so easy
48:45 Howard: Understand the other person’s fear, even Trump’s…look deeper
50:55 John: Risking conflict in relationships has rewards
52:30 Tactical tip: To start a conflict well ask a simple question

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